Wednesday, May 30, 2007
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first man, "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out...."Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not
a Bacon Tree!"
"Ees... a.... Ham bush!"
Monday, May 28, 2007
"Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?"
"There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards."
"Oh, that's because most men who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.
What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!
Why do men like smart women?
Sunday, May 27, 2007
PETA People Eating Tasty Animals
LOOK OUT!!! I drive just like you.
There Are 3 Kinds Of People: Those who can count and those who can't.
All Men Are Created Equal... ONE STEP BELOW WOMEN.
If God didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them out of MEAT.
I'm Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone.
GUN CONTROL means using BOTH HANDS.
DON'T TAILGATE ME or I'll flick a booger on your windshield.
I Am Not An Alcoholic, I'M A DRUNK, Alcoholics Go To Meetings.
KEEP HONKING, I'M RELOADING!!!
Guns Don't Kill People, Drivers With Cellphones Do.
SHH! I'm Listening To A Book.
I'm Already Against The Next War.
If The Screams From My Trunk Bother You, Turn Up Your Radio.
It's been a long week already, AND IT'S ONLY MONDAY.
HONK!!!! If YOUR FAMILY embarrasses You.
Stop Repeat Offenders DON'T RE-ELECT THEM.
My 401-k is now a 101-k
I got in a traffic jam on my road to riches.
Life is short, Break some rules.
Blessed are the Flexible, They never get bent out of shape.
WATCH OUT! I'm late for my DRIVERS ED class.
What part of "Thou Shalt Not" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
Saturday, May 26, 2007
| The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.|
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Maybe the Hokey-Pokey is what its all about.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
Fleece on earth,good wool to ewe.
Nonconformists are all alike.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
All generalizations are false.
Dyslexics of the world...UNTIE!!
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile.
You will be Assimilated.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!!!
Stop continental drift!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Subvert the dominant paradigm.
Let's Put the Fun Back in Funeral!
This is a bumper sticker.
I hate bumper stickers!!!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Some days it just isn't worth chewing through the straps.
I do everything my rice crispies tell me to.
I'm not a brat! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!
I break for fairies, elves, gnomes, leprechauns, & other invisible creatures that only I can see.
Of all the things I've lost, it's my mind I miss the most.
5 out of 4 people lave a problem with fractions.
Must not sleep... the clowns will eat me.
Archeologists will date any old things!
We the unwilling, led by the unqualified, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
My job is so secret, even I don't know what it is.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Stop reading my bumper stickers & pay attention to the road.
I souport publik edekashun.
Huked on foniks werked fer me!
Ate yeers agoe, I coodent eben spel teecher, now I is wun!
They can send me to college but they can't make me think.
My child is an honor student at Screeching Weasel High School.
I love animals, they're delicious!
I'm pro choice: I choose to hunt, trap, eat, and wear fur.
Save The Giant Flying Vampire Toads!
Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you.
Support the right to arm bears!
If there is a tourist season why can't we shoot them?
Shut up voices, or I'll poke you with a Q-tip!!
Part 3 in a couple of days
Friday, May 18, 2007
Just when you think you've won the rat race, along comes a faster rat.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy & good with ketchup.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
One by one the penguins are stealing my sanity.
If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat.
Designed by computer, built by robot, driven by moron.
Car will explode upon impact.
If this car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Do Not Wash - this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car like this.
Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming & yelling like the passengers in his car.
Part two will follow in a couple of days.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE (It's just a JOKE ladies)
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get
rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.
PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi