Wednesday, February 27, 2008

By order of the management

January 1,2008

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so th at you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

By order of the Management

Saturday, February 23, 2008

My new rifle!!!

This is my new rifle its a Ruger Mini-14 target rifle...the caliber is .223, it came with 1 5 round mag so I ordered 4 extra 20 round mags. The thing on the end is not a suppressor(I so wish it was) its for adjusting barrel harmonics so its more accurate. It doesn't have any open sights so I ordered a scope for it along with a bi-pod. The barrel is "22 and from what I have read about it it is an extremely accurate rifle. The reason I purchased this rifle is to use it for improving my shooting skills without the painful recoil of my .300wsm. I will hopefully be using it for hunting prairie dogs, coyotes, and other small game. On Ruger's website it claims that the gun retails for around $1,035 and I payed $800 at Sportsmans Warehouse. I also purchased 250 rounds of ammo from Cabelas and I am looking forward to shooting it!!!!

More pictures will be coming soon when I get my scope and other shooting accessories.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Why white?

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Tyler's snowboard...

The board is a Never Summer Premier 159 with Flow bindings...its a good board for the stuff Tyler enjoys riding...

Monday, February 18, 2008


This is the board I just's Burton Blunt 155 with FL55 Flow bindings...the flex on the board is amazing and the graphics speak for themselves...I paid $300 on craigslist for it and boots.

This is Malcolm's board...its a Rossignol RS 155 with Ride LS bindings...the flex on it is really good and Malcolm thinks the graphics are really cool...he paid $120 for it and the boots.

Pictures of Tyler's are coming soon...once it gets back from getting a tune up at Christy Sports.


This lovely paragraph was written by someone who, just like me, has a love for a well crafted firearm...I'll let the paragraph speak for itself

Ever look at something and just know it's beautiful? Take a look at a well-designed firearm like the FAL rifle or the M1911 handgun. They're rugged, yet elegant; simple enough to work, supple enough to get the job done and do it well. Every little spring, ever little pin, every sear, every piece of precision-machined metal is made to work together. It is the synergy of these parts that creates a beautiful machine that is designed to do one thing and one thing only: put lead downrange and strike the object or person that the rifleman is aiming at. From an engineer's point of view, it's a beautiful piece of work; not many things can claim such purity of function or such elegant operation.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Happy Valentines Day Redneck Style

I know I'm a day late but this is still really funny....its a little squishy but really funny

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have
a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like corn silk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're out in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
What I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape,
yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
We go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men,
they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, swayvay and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds...

The DMV Office

In light of what Steven has gone through(see his blog) I decided to post this.

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines , surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

Monday, February 11, 2008

Gasoline Tank

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.

"It would go out," he replied in a very factual manner.

"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No, the force from the explosion would blow out the match."

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Ski Preparation Exercises

  • Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
  • Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
  • Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
  • If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
  • Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!
  • Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
  • Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
  • Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!
  • Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
  • Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
  • Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
  • Drive slowly for five hours--anywhere--as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
  • Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.
  • Drink several ounces of water (or another beverage of choice), dress up in as many clothes as you can; now, quickly take them off because you REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
  • Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.

** Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Tough Love vs. Spanking

It seems that these days most Americans think it is improper to spank children,

so over the years I tried other methods to control my kids when they had one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

This worked so well for my children that I now use the method on my grandchildren.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my grandson, in case you would like to use the technique.