Tuesday, January 29, 2008

DIY Virus

This is a DIY Virus (Do It Yourself).

I have unfortunately been very busy lately and haven't had the time to write a virus.

So please take a couple of minutes to open Windows, and randomly delete 10 or 12 files (including a minimum of 3 system files), and then send this e-mail to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

George

A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby. As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, George. Don't get excited, George. Don't yell, George."

A lady watched with admiration and then said, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little George."

"Lady," he declared, "I'M George!"

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Get Better Soon

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."





Somehow this relates to me i just can't figure it out....

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Old Geezer

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Monday, January 14, 2008

Nervous Witness

An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?"

"Well, a woman."

The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Bird Tags

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated

Wash. Biol. Surv.

until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Beethoven's Ninth

Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing

Beethoven's Ninth Symphony under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at

this point, you must understand two things:

1.There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses

don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2.There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the

street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local

musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass

players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they

were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage,

rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty

minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they

trot across the street and quaff a few brews.

After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't

we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the

first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more

time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's

score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow

the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and

fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house,

a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look

at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

Katims was furious! After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth,

the basses were loaded,

and the score was tied.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Agri-cows

NORTH AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE: You have two cows. You redesign them to 1/10 the size of ordinary cows, producing 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoons called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

GERMAN: You have two cows, re-engineered so they'll live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH: You have two cows. Both are mad.

RUSSIAN: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42. You count them again and learn you have 12. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS: You have 5,000 cows. None belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.

HINDU: You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE: You have two cows and 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who questions the numbers.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

The secret to living a long life

A tough old cowboy teasingly told his young grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously, and kept doing so to the ripe old age of 103.

When he died, he left 10 children, 32 grandchildren, 49 great-grandchildren, and a 65-foot-wide
crater where the crematorium used to be!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

What happens when you do gymnastics too long...

...You won't have a head any more

Friday, January 4, 2008