Sunday, December 23, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
leave your answer in the forum of a comment(If anyone gets it right i'll tell u)...but if u want the answer just chat me.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.
Back at police headquarters the Chief Constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.
Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:
"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.
Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.
Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
1) Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2) Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
3) If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
4) Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
5) Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
6) Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
7) Practice making fax and modem noises.
8) Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
9) Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
10) Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
11) Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
12) Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
13) Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
14) Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
15) Staple pages in the middle of the page.
16) Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
17) Honk and wave to strangers.
18) Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
19) TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
20) type only in lowercase.
21) dont use any punctuation either
22)Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
23) Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
24) As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
25) Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
26) Ask people what gender they are.
27) While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
28) Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
29) Sing along at the opera.
30) Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
31) Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
A brick layer working on a three-story tall chimney had set up a pulley system so that his helper could raise the bricks up to where he needed them. As he was working, his helper was complaining about how difficult it would be to get the last of the bricks up to the flat roof of the building. Just then another contractor had some material delivered and it was placed on the roof by a fork-lift brought to unload it. The brick layer asked if the driver would load his brick up there as well and the driver agreed. The brick layer realized that he would not need his helper any more and sent him home.
As the brick-layer completed the chimney he noticed that he had quite a few bricks left over and that the fork-lift was no longer at the jobsite. Now he had to figure out how to get the left-over bricks back down by himself. If he dropped them, they would surely break. So he decided to use the pulley that he had set up to lower them down.
First he went down to the ground and raised a large metal bucket up to the roof level using the rope and pulley. Next, he tied the rope off onto a railing and climbed back up to the roof and loaded the bricks into the bucket. Then he went back down to the ground. He knew that the bricks would be heavy, so he wrapped the rope around his hand a couple of times and then untied the end of the rope with his other hand. Well, the bricks were heavier than he imagined and with physics being as it is, he was immediately launched upwards at a high rate of speed.
As he was racing up towards the roof he encountered the bucket full of bricks coming down at an equally fast rate. He collided with the bucket and broke his nose and his shoulder. The bucket passed him by as he sped upwards. He reached the pulley just before the bucket hit the ground and broke a few of his fingers as they were pulled into the pulley. When the bucket hit the ground, it's bottom fell out and all of the bricks spilled onto the ground. Now the fun reversed. As the now light bucket sped upwards, the mason took a shot to the groin when one of his legs slipped into the empty bucket.
He then tilted enough to fall out of the bucket and continued with his gravity experiment. Eventually he landed on top of the pile of bricks and broke both feet. He collapsed in pain there on the bricks, but was glad to be alive. He let go off the rope and cried out for help. It was then that the bucket hit him in the head and fractured his skull.
Monday, September 24, 2007
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who used to
help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son
and described his predicament.
"Dear son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't
be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting
too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my
troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Dad, for heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the BODIES. Love son."
At 4 am the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed
up and dug up the entire garden area. But when they didn't find
any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left. Later that
same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best
I could do under the circumstances. Love, Son."
Thursday, September 20, 2007
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
One said "Ya know, since summer started i've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Friday, September 14, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Sunday, September 9, 2007
''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''
Friday, September 7, 2007
AK: It works though you have never cleaned it -- ever.
AR: You have $9 per ounce special non-detergent synthetic Teflon infused oil for cleaning.
MN: It was last cleaned in Berlin in 1945. Maybe.
AK: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from inside.
AR: You are able to hit the broad side of a barn from 600 meters.
MN: You can hit the farm from two counties over.
AK: Cheap magazines are fun to buy.
AR: Cheap magazines melt.
MN: What's a magazine?
AK: Your safety can be heard from 300 meters away.
AR: You can silently flip off the safety with your finger on the trigger.
MN: What's a safety?
AK: Your rifle comes with a cheap nylon sling.
AR: Your rifle has a 9 point stealth tactical suspension system.
MN: Your rifle has four dog collars tied end-to-end.
AK: Your bayonet makes a good wire cutter.
AR: Your bayonet is actually a pretty good steak knife.
MN: Your bayonet is longer than your leg.
AK: You can put a .30" hole through 12" of oak, if you can ever hit it.
AR: You can put one hole in a paper target at 100 meters with 30 rounds.
MN: You can knock down everyone else's target with the shock wave of your bullet going downrange.
AK: When out of ammo your rifle will nominally pass as a club.
AR: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a great wiffle bat.
MN: When out of ammo, your rifle makes a supreme war club, pike, boat oar, tent pole, or firewood.
AK: Recoil is manageable, even fun.
AR: What's recoil?
MN: Recoil is often used to relocate shoulders thrown out by the previous shot.
AK: Your sight adjustment goes to "10", and you've never bothered moving it.
AR: Your sight adjustment is incremented in fractions of minute of angle.
MN: Your sight adjustment goes to 12 miles and you've actually tried it.
AK: Your rifle can be used by any two bit nation's most illiterate conscripts to fight elite forces worldwide.
AR: Your rifle is used by elite forces worldwide to fight two bit nations' most illiterate conscripts.
MN: Your rifle has fought against itself and won every time.
AK: Your rifle won some revolutions.
AR: Your rifle won the Cold War.
MN: Your rifle won a pole vault event.
AK: You paid $350.
AR: You paid $900.
MN: You paid $59.95.
AK: You buy cheap ammo by the case.
AR: You lovingly reload precision crafted rounds one by one.
MN: You dig your ammo out of a farmer's field in Ukraine and it works just fine.
AK: You can intimidate your foe when you fix bayonet.
AR: Your can give your foe a good laugh when you fix your bayonet.
MN: You can bayonet your foe on the other side of the river without leaving the comfort of your hole.
AK: Service life, 50 years.
AR: Service life, 40 years.
MN: Service life, 100 years, and counting.
AK: It's easier to buy a new rifle when you want to change cartridge sizes.
AR: You can change cartridge sizes with the push of a couple of pins and a new upper.
MN: You believe no real man would dare risk the ridicule of his friends by suggesting there is anything but 7.62x54R.
AK: You can repair your rifle with a big hammer and a swift kick.
AR: You can repair your rifle by taking it to a certified gunsmith and it's under warranty!
MN: If your rifle breaks, you can buy a new one.
AK: You consider it a badge of honor when you get your handguards to burst into flames.
AR: You consider it a badge of honor when you shoot a sub-MOA 5 shot group.
MN: You consider it a badge of honor when you cycle 5 rounds without the aid of a 2x4.
AK: After a long day the range you relax by watching "Red Dawn".
AR: After a long day at the range you relax by watching "Blackhawk Down".
MN: After a long day at the range you relax by visiting the chiropractor.
AK: You can accessorize you rifle with a new muzzle brake or a nice stock set.
AR: Your rifle's accessories are eight times more valuable than your rifle.
MN: Your rifle's accessory is a small tin can with a funny lid, but it's buried under an apartment building somewhere in Budapest.
AK: Your rifle's finish is varnish and paint.
AR: Your rifle's finish is Teflon and high tech polymers.
MN: Your rifle's finish is low grade shellac, cosmoline and Olga's toe nails.
AK: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Mikhail Kalashnikov.
AR: Your wife tolerates your autographed framed picture of Eugene Stoner.
MN: You're not sure there WERE cameras to photograph Sergei Mosin.
AK: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to hold your rifle over your head and shout "Wolverines!"
AR: Late at night you sometimes have to fight the urge to clear your house, slicing the pie from room to room.
MN: Late at night, you sometimes have to fight the urge to dig a fighting trench in the yard to sleep in.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
• If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy, and people will try to catch you, because hey, free dummy.
• Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
• Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
• Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.
• If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
• Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
• If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove tough your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
• If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
• If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.
• Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
• I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
• I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
• As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
• It's true that every time you head a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
• I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my goodness, we've got to try something!
• If you want to be the popular one at a party, here a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with that somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
• I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
• I can picture in my mind a world without war, and a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
• Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
• Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
• The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"
• You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.
• If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
1. You have absolutely no recognizable accent.
2. If the humidity gets above 25%, you consider it "muggy".
3. You are the third car to run a red light after it has changed.
4. You think only stupid people get lost in your town.
5. If it rains more than 2 days straight you compare the weather to
being in Seattle.
6. The only RTD bus you've been on is the 16th Street shuttle.
7. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.
8. You think "South Park" is a place to stop for gas on your way to the
9. You get depressed after one day of foggy weather.
10. North means "mountains to the left;" south is "mountains to the
right; and east and west are where all those liberals keep moving in
11. You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels "sticky" and
you notice the sky is no longer blue.
12. You think gun control is a steady hand.
13. You can run up 10 flights of stairs without huffing and puffing.
14. You can drive over a 12,000 foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but cant
get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.
15. April showers bring May blizzards.
16. You know what a "rocky mountain oyster" is. But you dont know what
a "turn signal" is.
17. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a
Democrat in Congress does.
18. People from other states breathe 5 times as often as you do.
19. You've gone skiing in July. You've gone sunbathing in January. They
were both in the same year.
20. You never pack away your coat and sweaters.
21. You love your Broncos, your Avs, your Rockies, Nuggets - ok not the
Nuggets ... well you can't have everything.
22. If it snows in the morning you expect it to be gone by lunchtime.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
2 ... When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
3 ... A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
4 ... A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
5 ... Super glue is forever.
6 ... Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
7 ... Always look in the oven before you turn it on
8 ... Plastic toys do not like ovens.
9 ... The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
10 ... It will however make cats dizzy.
11 ... Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
12 ... A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
Friday, July 27, 2007
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and
proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked
puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and
I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be
a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." God explained,
pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe
will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor.
And over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there
is a continent of black people. Balance in all things." God continued
pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot,
while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There
are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills,
and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be
handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to
travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high
achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats,
carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington.
Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The Greek sage Aristotle once penned, "Even when the
laws have been written down, they ought not always
remain unchanged." Not only is this wise advice, but
also prophetic. Especially when you focus on some of
the driving laws that loiter on the pages of state
Tennessee, for example, has a law that bans shooting
game, other than whales, from moving vehicles.
Apparently, this law was authored during an unusually
high tide or after too many dizzying spins on a
Tilt-a-Whirl at Dollyworld. Chances of any whale
findin g its way into Tennessee via the Cumberland
River are about as likely as Tony Danza winning a
lifetime achievement award at the Cannes Film
Festival. Yet, it exists.
So as to assure that your next cross-country vacation
does not get pricked by the thorns of legality, we at
DMV.ORG have organized a list of arcane state laws
that you should be aware of. For nothing can be more embarrassing than
having to phone your attorney from Kentucky for help in escaping a fine for
trying to transport an ice cream cone in your back pocket.
* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded
while operating a vehicle.
* It is legal to drive the wrong way down a
one-way street as long as a lantern is attached to the
front of your car.
* Driving barefoot is illegal.
* It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your
* It is illegal for a person to blare the ho rn on
a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches
are served after 9 p.m.
* Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited
from driving a car.
* It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry
your car with used underwear.
* No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per
* If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the
owner or attendant must deposit money in the meter.
* State Assembly members are immune from being
ticketed for speeding while the State Assembly is in
* In Marietta, Georgia it is illegal to spit from
a moving car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.
* In Evanston, Illinois it is unlawful to change
clothes while inside a car with the curtains drawn,
except during a fire.
* In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor
to screech your tires while driving.
* If you stop for ice cream while driving, be
aware that it is considered unlawful to transport an
ice cream cone in your back pocket.
* You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla
in the backseat of your car.
* If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are
waiting for assistance, be aware that sitting in the
middle of the street to read a newspaper is illegal.
* It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless
if you are walking or driving, with a duck on your
head. And, if you're crossing into Wisconsin, the law
also applies to chickens.
* In Minnetonka, Minnesota, if you drive a truck
that leaves mud, dirt or sticky substances on any
road, you will be considered a public nuisance who is
harming the peace, safety, and general welfare of the
* You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.
* In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited
from driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.
* It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
* Drivers are required to beep their car horns
before passing another vehicle.
* If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you permanently lose the
option of registering for a vanity license plate.
* In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive
on a sidewalk.
* In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if
you consecutively drive around the town square more
than 100 times.
* Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and
you phone for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt
to ride on the cab's roof.
* It is considered illegal to read a comic book
* You will be ticketed if you leave your car door
open longer than is deemed necessary.
* You will be slapped with a Class A traffic
violation if you use your car on an Oregon highway to
prove your physical endurance.
* It is illegal to pump your own gas.
* If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are
required by law to pull to the side of the road and
cover your car with a blanket or dust cover that has
been painted or sewn to blend into the scenery. But,
if the horses react skittish to your efforts, you are
then required to disassemble your car and hide the
parts in the nearby underbrush.
* In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave
trash in your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.
* It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game
other than whales from a moving car.
* It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance
purposes, to scavenge road kill.
Monday, July 23, 2007
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. Ain't no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
Sunday, July 22, 2007
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
"Hello?" I said.
"Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I replied, "I'm sorry, but Ben's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end ... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Um, yeah ... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with about an hour ago."
"I know that! I mean ... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes, please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, so I figured it was time to turn up the heat a bit: "Oh, no problem, I sure will. This is Jennifer, right?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently it wasn't her.
"Well ... Ben mentioned going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I just figured you were her. Sorry ... it was an honest mistake."
"Oh, Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called and that she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will ... but Becky probably won't be too happy about this...."
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
6. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
7. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
8. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
9. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
10. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
11.Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.
12. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY
DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
Saturday, July 7, 2007
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol,'" as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
22. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
23. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
24. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either Case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
25. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
26. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
27. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
28. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Friday, June 29, 2007
| Two fellas from rural Minnesota walked into a pet shop in Minneapolis. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.|
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by a lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the
100-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
Moments later, Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head..... "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping.... den Knut parrotshooting.... and now Lars is hengliding!"
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You finish the bottle of vodka. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas
Five. One to do it and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
How can you tell a saxophone player is at the door?
He can't find his key.
What's the difference between a flute and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a flute.
Two tuba players are sitting in a car. Who's driving?
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar
How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.
What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
For those of us who have questions regarding driving while in Denver, follow these rules and we'll get along just fine.
RULES OF DRIVING IN DENVER
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels. Bonus points are awarded for getting out of your car and moving the barrels.
2. Turn signals provide clues as to your next move in the road battle, so never use them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you are going. If you do, the space will be filled be somebody else putting you in a more dangerous situation.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the less your chance is of getting hit.
5. The car with the most extensive bodywork automatically has the right of way. (Remember no-fault insurance. He might not have as much to lose as you.)
6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in and gives you a relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
7. Construction signs are carefully positioned to tell you about road work ahead after you have just passed the last opportunity to exit, but just before the traffic begins to back up.
8. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, but just to tell you what time it is and to make Denver look progressive.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway. Passing on the shoulder is encouraged; that's why they're paved.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make Denver look as if it conforms to other state policies; these are intended only as suggestions and are actually unenforceable.
11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on I-25.
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unlucky breakdown victim get mugged.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly. Denver is the home of the very high-speed slalom driving thanks to Colorado DOT, who puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. Parts of truck tires are left on new highways where potholes have not been established yet.
15. It is considered correct in Denver to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. Our city is founded upon such traditions.
16. Seeking eye contact with another driver automatically revokes your right of way.
17. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Denver residents notify the Colorado DOT where exits should have been built.
The Lord said, "Southerners are southerners, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "Okay, I'm back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this . . . . Hold on."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Southerners have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small.The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photo graphed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the
teacher, she's dead. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God
is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want - God is watching the apples.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch! Bad touch!"
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
2. Yelling at me for barking...I'M A DOG YOU IDIOT!!
3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
6. Yelling at me for rubbing my rear on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
7. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
8. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
9. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
10. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
11. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
12. The sleight of hand - fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
13. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on messing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
Monday, June 11, 2007
- Moses parted the Red Sea without first performing an environmental impact study.
- Jesus gave a Sermon on the Mount where he talked of giving to the poor, and spoke out against greed, and all without charging attendees $300 per ticket. (Barbra Streisand only).
- The term "The Three Wise Men" is insensitive to the intellectually challenged. That should be changed to the "Trio of educationally advantaged amateur astronomers."
- Instead of gold, frankincense and myrrh, they should have brought hummus, incense and a representative from Child Protective Services.
- The Virgin Mary didn't first meet with consultants from Planned Parenthood.
- Ten plagues and still not a single person thought of nationalizing health care?
- Adam didn't ask Eve for verbal as well as written consent before touching her.
- Of course Cain killed Abel. He was obviously suffering either from bipolar disorder, low blood sugar, emotional abuse as a child, or societal neglect.
- "The trials of Job" were nothing. Try getting a job with nothing but a masters degree in Norwegian Art History – that's a test!
- Too bad Greenpeace didn't have their own ark so they could have rammed Noah's Ark. You just know that, after the flood, Noah sold those animals to the circus.
- The destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah could have easily been prevented if they would have passed hate-crime legislation sooner.
- Jesus is one of the greatest teachers in history, but isn't a member of the National Education Association. In other words, God uses scab labor.
- David slew Goliath simply because he was unfortunate enough to have been stricken with gigantism.
- "The Last Supper" didn't offer an option for people on gluten-free diets, and the fat content on the food was not labeled.
- The part about Jonah and the whale becoming entangled in tuna nets is conveniently passed over in the Old Testament.
- God should have spent the seventh day not resting, but rather going around putting warning stickers on all potentially dangerous, really pointy things.
- What's the big deal about Nebuchadnezzar spending seven years ingesting grass? Heck, Woody Harrelson's done it longer than that.
- The Bible mentions nothing about obtaining the necessary permits to build the Tower of Babel.
- People lived to be hundreds of years old without prescription-drug coverage? I don't think so.
- Jesus turned water into wine, which was not very mindful of those who happened to be teetering on the brink of plunging down the stairs of their 12-step program.
- Of all the wealth possessed by King Solomon, the amount he donated to environmental causes: $0.
And the thing about the Bible that drives the left the most crazy? People can find salvation without their assistance.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers? You can't get married."
"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."
"Hi. We are here to get married."
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"
"All right, all right. Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"And the other man?"
"That's all. I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $9.50, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'd make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'd probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed around $30,000 during that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'd make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'd pull in about $5600.
In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
... If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
Game over. Nerd wins.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
if you have a clone and you both are standing on top of a tall building, your clone is nude and begins doing obscene things that really embarrass you..... you cant make him stop so you push the clone off the building.
a. committing murder?
b. committing suicide?
c. making an obscene clone fall?