Deep Thoughts

Deep Thoughts

• If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.

• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy, and people will try to catch you, because hey, free dummy.

• Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.

• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

• Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

• Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

• If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

• Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

• If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove tough your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

• If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

• If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.

• Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

• I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.

• I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

• As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

• It's true that every time you head a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

• I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my goodness, we've got to try something!

• If you want to be the popular one at a party, here a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with that somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.

• I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

• I can picture in my mind a world without war, and a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

• Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

• Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

• Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

• The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"

• You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.

• If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.