Ski Preparation Exercises

• Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
• Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
• Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
• If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
• Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!
• Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
• Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
• Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!
• Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
• Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
• Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
• Drive slowly for five hours--anywhere--as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
• Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.
• Drink several ounces of water (or another beverage of choice), dress up in as many clothes as you can; now, quickly take them off because you REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
• Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.

** Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing.