God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and
proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked
puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and
I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be
a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." God explained,
pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe
will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor.
And over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there
is a continent of black people. Balance in all things." God continued
pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot,
while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There
are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills,
and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be
handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to
travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high
achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats,
carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington.
Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
Friday, July 27, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Bizzare Driving Rules
Bizarre Driving Laws
The Greek sage Aristotle once penned, "Even when the
laws have been written down, they ought not always
remain unchanged." Not only is this wise advice, but
also prophetic. Especially when you focus on some of
the driving laws that loiter on the pages of state
statutes.
Tennessee, for example, has a law that bans shooting
game, other than whales, from moving vehicles.
Apparently, this law was authored during an unusually
high tide or after too many dizzying spins on a
Tilt-a-Whirl at Dollyworld. Chances of any whale
findin g its way into Tennessee via the Cumberland
River are about as likely as Tony Danza winning a
lifetime achievement award at the Cannes Film
Festival. Yet, it exists.
So as to assure that your next cross-country vacation
does not get pricked by the thorns of legality, we at
DMV.ORG have organized a list of arcane state laws
that you should be aware of. For nothing can be more embarrassing than
having to phone your attorney from Kentucky for help in escaping a fine for
trying to transport an ice cream cone in your back pocket.
Alabama
* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded
while operating a vehicle.
* It is legal to drive the wrong way down a
one-way street as long as a lantern is attached to the
front of your car.
* Driving barefoot is illegal.
Alaska
* It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your
car.
Arkansas
* It is illegal for a person to blare the ho rn on
a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches
are served after 9 p.m.
California
* Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited
from driving a car.
* It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry
your car with used underwear.
* No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per
hour.
Florida
* If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the
owner or attendant must deposit money in the meter.
Georgia
* State Assembly members are immune from being
ticketed for speeding while the State Assembly is in
session.
* In Marietta, Georgia it is illegal to spit from
a moving car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.
Illinois
* In Evanston, Illinois it is unlawful to change
clothes while inside a car with the curtains drawn,
except during a fire.
Kansas
* In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor
to screech your tires while driving.
Kentucky
* If you stop for ice cream while driving, be
aware that it is considered unlawful to transport an
ice cream cone in your back pocket.
Massachusetts
* You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla
in the backseat of your car.
Michigan
* If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are
waiting for assistance, be aware that sitting in the
middle of the street to read a newspaper is illegal.
Minnesota
* It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless
if you are walking or driving, with a duck on your
head. And, if you're crossing into Wisconsin, the law
also applies to chickens.
* In Minnetonka, Minnesota, if you drive a truck
that leaves mud, dirt or sticky substances on any
road, you will be considered a public nuisance who is
harming the peace, safety, and general welfare of the
town.
* You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.
Montana
* In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited
from driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.
Nevada
* It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
New Jersey
* Drivers are required to beep their car horns
before passing another vehicle.
* If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you permanently lose the
option of registering for a vanity license plate.
North Carolina
* In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive
on a sidewalk.
Ohio
* In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if
you consecutively drive around the town square more
than 100 times.
* Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and
you phone for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt
to ride on the cab's roof.
Oklahoma
* It is considered illegal to read a comic book
while driving.
Oregon
* You will be ticketed if you leave your car door
open longer than is deemed necessary.
* You will be slapped with a Class A traffic
violation if you use your car on an Oregon highway to
prove your physical endurance.
* It is illegal to pump your own gas.
Pennsylvania
* If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are
required by law to pull to the side of the road and
cover your car with a blanket or dust cover that has
been painted or sewn to blend into the scenery. But,
if the horses react skittish to your efforts, you are
then required to disassemble your car and hide the
parts in the nearby underbrush.
South Carolina
* In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave
trash in your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.
Tennessee
* It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game
other than whales from a moving car.
West Virginia
* It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance
purposes, to scavenge road kill.
The Greek sage Aristotle once penned, "Even when the
laws have been written down, they ought not always
remain unchanged." Not only is this wise advice, but
also prophetic. Especially when you focus on some of
the driving laws that loiter on the pages of state
statutes.
Tennessee, for example, has a law that bans shooting
game, other than whales, from moving vehicles.
Apparently, this law was authored during an unusually
high tide or after too many dizzying spins on a
Tilt-a-Whirl at Dollyworld. Chances of any whale
findin g its way into Tennessee via the Cumberland
River are about as likely as Tony Danza winning a
lifetime achievement award at the Cannes Film
Festival. Yet, it exists.
So as to assure that your next cross-country vacation
does not get pricked by the thorns of legality, we at
DMV.ORG have organized a list of arcane state laws
that you should be aware of. For nothing can be more embarrassing than
having to phone your attorney from Kentucky for help in escaping a fine for
trying to transport an ice cream cone in your back pocket.
Alabama
* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded
while operating a vehicle.
* It is legal to drive the wrong way down a
one-way street as long as a lantern is attached to the
front of your car.
* Driving barefoot is illegal.
Alaska
* It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your
car.
Arkansas
* It is illegal for a person to blare the ho rn on
a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches
are served after 9 p.m.
California
* Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited
from driving a car.
* It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry
your car with used underwear.
* No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per
hour.
Florida
* If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the
owner or attendant must deposit money in the meter.
Georgia
* State Assembly members are immune from being
ticketed for speeding while the State Assembly is in
session.
* In Marietta, Georgia it is illegal to spit from
a moving car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.
Illinois
* In Evanston, Illinois it is unlawful to change
clothes while inside a car with the curtains drawn,
except during a fire.
Kansas
* In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor
to screech your tires while driving.
Kentucky
* If you stop for ice cream while driving, be
aware that it is considered unlawful to transport an
ice cream cone in your back pocket.
Massachusetts
* You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla
in the backseat of your car.
Michigan
* If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are
waiting for assistance, be aware that sitting in the
middle of the street to read a newspaper is illegal.
Minnesota
* It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless
if you are walking or driving, with a duck on your
head. And, if you're crossing into Wisconsin, the law
also applies to chickens.
* In Minnetonka, Minnesota, if you drive a truck
that leaves mud, dirt or sticky substances on any
road, you will be considered a public nuisance who is
harming the peace, safety, and general welfare of the
town.
* You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.
Montana
* In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited
from driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.
Nevada
* It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
New Jersey
* Drivers are required to beep their car horns
before passing another vehicle.
* If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you permanently lose the
option of registering for a vanity license plate.
North Carolina
* In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive
on a sidewalk.
Ohio
* In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if
you consecutively drive around the town square more
than 100 times.
* Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and
you phone for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt
to ride on the cab's roof.
Oklahoma
* It is considered illegal to read a comic book
while driving.
Oregon
* You will be ticketed if you leave your car door
open longer than is deemed necessary.
* You will be slapped with a Class A traffic
violation if you use your car on an Oregon highway to
prove your physical endurance.
* It is illegal to pump your own gas.
Pennsylvania
* If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are
required by law to pull to the side of the road and
cover your car with a blanket or dust cover that has
been painted or sewn to blend into the scenery. But,
if the horses react skittish to your efforts, you are
then required to disassemble your car and hide the
parts in the nearby underbrush.
South Carolina
* In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave
trash in your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.
Tennessee
* It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game
other than whales from a moving car.
West Virginia
* It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance
purposes, to scavenge road kill.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Star in the East?
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. Ain't no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. Ain't no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Zen Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Wrong Numbers
One night recently, my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman's voice asked for Ben. Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn't Ben, and she had a wrong number. The fifth time she called, I had finally had enough.
"Hello?" I said.
"Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I replied, "I'm sorry, but Ben's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end ... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Um, yeah ... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with about an hour ago."
"I know that! I mean ... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes, please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, so I figured it was time to turn up the heat a bit: "Oh, no problem, I sure will. This is Jennifer, right?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently it wasn't her.
"Well ... Ben mentioned going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I just figured you were her. Sorry ... it was an honest mistake."
"Oh, Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called and that she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will ... but Becky probably won't be too happy about this...."
"Hello?" I said.
"Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I replied, "I'm sorry, but Ben's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end ... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Um, yeah ... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with about an hour ago."
"I know that! I mean ... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes, please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, so I figured it was time to turn up the heat a bit: "Oh, no problem, I sure will. This is Jennifer, right?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently it wasn't her.
"Well ... Ben mentioned going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I just figured you were her. Sorry ... it was an honest mistake."
"Oh, Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called and that she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will ... but Becky probably won't be too happy about this...."
Chocolate
1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
6. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
7. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
8. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
9. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
10. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
11.Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.
12. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
6. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
7. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
8. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
9. Money talks. Chocolate sings.
10. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
11.Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.
12. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
The Farmer and the Divorce!!
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a
grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up
or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY
DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
with her."
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a
grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up
or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY
DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
with her."
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Mother in Law
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
The Hotel
A man was checking out of his hotel in a hurry when he realized he forgot one of his bags, he said to a bellboy "Son, my train leaves in a couple of minutes, run upstairs and see if my bag is there." the bellboy hurrys up the stairs and comes down after a few moments and says to the man "Yes sir, its up there"
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Rules for the South
RULES FOR THE SOUTH
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol,'" as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
22. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
23. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
24. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either Case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
25. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
26. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
27. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
28. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol,'" as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
22. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
23. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
24. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either Case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
25. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
26. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," Good Laud," and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
27. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
28. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
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